The Mystery of the MrPeanut and Butters Caper
by Yoku-Kun
Summary: After a freak T.V accident, Butters is missing. Cartman also seems to be missing his prized Mr. Peanut. Randomness, craziness, and high cholesterahl level ensues as the boys try to find the incriminating thief.
1. Butter's new TV

Hmm…uh…Me wrote this story when I was thinking about eating peanut butter but was too lazy to get up and get some…and then I remembered me laptop was here…and thus this was born!! Ya…well let get it on!

_**The Mystery of the Mr. Peanut and Butters Caper**_

**Chapter One: Butters's new T.V.**

It was a wonderful day in South Park, which was very surprising. At the Scotch residence a delivery truck could be seen unloading a plasma screen T.V. Mr. Scotch brought it into his son's room.

"Hey Butters, come here for a second." He said.

"Yes dad?" said Butters.

"Look son, I know your getting older, and you'll want a little more privacy, so I thought if you had your own television you would get the privacy you've always wanted, and the learn to understand the responsibility of having an electronical device in your room."

"…but I'm only eight."

"The earlier you start the better!" Mr. Scotch said cheerfully as he left the room.

"O-oh dear…" said Butters as he looked at the huge screen before him. "Wonder what I'll do with it…Hmm…I know, I'll invite my friends for a sleepover to help me enjoy it!" he then ran out of his room to plan for the next day. The door to his room came steadily to a close, and the second it shut a small flash of green light emanated from the television for a few seconds and then it turned back to its original black state.

* * *

The next day at school, Butters had asked is friends over to his sleepover.

"Oh hell no." said Cartman. "There is no way I hell that I'm going to your sleepover Butters."

"Yea Butters," said Kyle. "not to sound mean but it does sound kinda lame."

"Yea, the Jew would know, he's hella lame."

"Shut up fatass!"

"Ahh com'on guys." Butters pleaded. "My mom'll make cookies, and we could watch Terrance and Philip, and my dad just bought me a huge plasma screen T.V."

"Holy crap you had me at cookies." Said Cartman.

"You got a new T.V? Sweet!" said Stan.

"Mmmnffee mwe mu munnh mwurn." Said Kenny.

"No Kenny I think you can only get that stuff on pay-per-view." Said Kyle.

"Muh?"

"Ha! Kenny's doesn't know about pay-per-view cuz he's hella poor." Said Cartman

"Mwaa mu!"

"Yea Cartman and stop saying that!" Said Kyle.

"Hey you Jew! You will respect mah authoriteh!"

"Screw you!"

"(Sigh) We'll see you Butters." Said Stan.

"Okay. Oh boy, this is gonna be awesome!" said Butters.

* * *

The boys arrived at Butters's house and Mrs. Scotch let them in. After they watched Terrance and Philip, they ate their cookies and went to Butters's room (Cartman also carried a good thirty extra cookies with him.)

"Awesome T.V dude." Said Stan as he revealed his Terrance and Philip sleeping bag.

"Yea, it's bigger than Cartman's ass." Said Kyle as he also revealed a Terrance and Philip Sleeping bag, but his was the Halloween version.

"No it's not you guys." Said Cartman. Kenny unraveled his out-of-date tattered black sleeping bag.

"Well, well well, it seems that Kenny is so hella poor that he can't even afford a decent sleeping bag unlike mine!" said Cartman smugly as he unraveled his sleeping bag.

"…Dude…wtf is that?" said Stan.

"Well, this is a My little Pony, 10th anniversary, special royal Pinkie Pie edition sleeping bag. It is the rarest of rare sleeping bags. There's only four of them in the world, and I am a proud owner of one…Bet you're jealous aren't you Kyle!" yelled Cartman.

"Why the hell would I be jealous of some gay-ass sleeping bag a fatass owns?" said Kyle.

"Em not fat em BIG-BONED!"

"Uh…well let's watch some T.V." said Butters as he took the remote. He pressed the ON button but nothing happened. "Hmm, that's strange."

"Ah damn don't tell me the TV's broken!" said Cartman.

"Hey look, it's not plugged in." said Stan.

"Mwe ma mit." Said Kenny. He then went to the plug in the wall. Before he had it in the wall a strange green light appeared from the T.V screen. It hit Butters and it was levitating him from the ground.

"Holy hamburgers!" yelped Butters in mid-air.

"Butters what the hell is wrong with your T.V." Said Kyle.

"I-I don't know!" Just then a great flash of green light filled the room, and also electrocuted Kenny. After a few seconds, the light dissipated. Stan noticed Kenny's burnt body.

"Oh my god they killed Kenny." Said Stan flatly.

"You bastards-hey where'd Butters go?" said Kyle.

"I think the light took him away."

"Com'on guys, it's impossible for someone to be captured by a light." Said Cartman.

"Well, what about the time aliens put a probe up your ass?" said Kyle.

"I told you guys that was a dream, dammit!"

"Hmm…Kenny's dead, Butters's gone, and the T.V was destroyed in the flash of light…so what do we do now?" asked Stan. They all pondered on their next action. "Wanna play with Cartman's alien probe?"

"Sweet dude!" said Kyle.

"Yea kickass! …Hey wait a minute, I told you guys that was a dr-" said Cartman before Kyle operated his probe device. "I love to singa! About the moona and the tuna and the springa! I love to singa!"

"Dude, where'd you get this anyway?" said Kyle

"Oh I found it in a cow field." Said Stan. The next day they left Butters's house with a very un-amused Cartman. The T.V flashed one last time as they left.

* * *

Hmm…this in my first south ark story…I think its petty good…humor could get better, oh and I'm gonna brig Kenny back to life in each chapter so if you have any ideas for a death situation tell me.


	2. Just one Cheesy Poof

This took a lot of pacing but I think this chapter will be pretty good. I didn't know how hard it would be to keep the characters in character. Now…let get it on!

_**The Mystery of the Mr. Peanut and Butters Caper**_

**Chapter Two: Just one Cheesy Poof.**

Not many people seemed to notice Butters's random disappearance, not even his parents…then again, not many cared. The school bell rung and the students started to head for home.

"Hey guys, my parents got me Halo 3, wanna play it at my house?" asked Stan.

"Yea dude." Said Kyle.

"Kahl, Kahl, Kahl…when will you learn?" said Cartman. "Jews can't play shooters."

"Shut the fuck up Cartman!!"

"Hey I'm just speaking the truth, aren't I Kenny?"

"…Mwassmoll." Said Kenny.

"Screw you Kenny." Cartman said as they arrived at Stan's house. As they entered they saw Shelly sitting on the couch watch America's Next Top Model. (Like she'll ever be on there…)

"Aw dammit, my sister's here." Said Stan. Kenny then walked over to her. The rest of them just looked in awe as their friend stepped into deadly territory.

"Kssh, what do you wants turd?" sneered Shelly. Kenny then whispered something into her ear. "Are you serioush?" Kenny nodded. "…MOM! I'm going to a…uh...friends housh for the night ok?"

"Ok honey." Said Mrs. Marsh. Shelly then gave Stan a shove and left the house with a peculiar bag. The boys once again stared in awe at Kenny.

"Dude what you tell her?" asked Stan.

"Moo mwucc murmelf." Said Kenny.

"…and she went to go do it?" said Kyle in disbelief. Kenny nodded.

"Wow… wonder how she's gonna do that." Said Cartman.

"Shut-up Cartman." Said Stan as he went to the kitchen and brought out twenty bags of cheesy poofs. He set them on the table and Cartman immidiatyly dove in. Ignoring Cartman glutting himself, they started to play Halo.

"Take this you fucking Jew!" yelled Cartman as he and Kenny where ganging up on Kyle. Stan killed Kenny and Kyle shot a bazooka at Cartman.

"Suck on that fatass!" said Kyle triumphantly.

"Ugh, this is gay now." Said Cartman as he dropped his controller.

"You're only saying that cuz you were losing."

"Your point?"

"Retard…"

"Okay let's watch the Terrance and Philip movie." Said San as he popped I the DVD.

"Mweet." Said Kenny as they all took cheesy poofs. Cartman had finished his thirteenth bag and reached for the last bag that was o the table, but Kyle had beaten him to it.

"Too slow fatass." Said Kyle as he opened the bag.

"Aww-God-DAMMIT! Give me those cheesy poofs!" yelled Cartman.

"No."

"You Jewish Uncle-fucker!"

"What Cartman, lowered yourself to copying movie phrases?"

"Com'on Kahl, at least give me a few."

"No."

"Okay Kahl…just one cheesy poof."

"I said no fatass."

"Aww com'on Kahl. I'm just asking you for one cheesy poof as a little favor to repay all the good things I've done for you."

"Good things…GOOD things!?" said Kyle as he became infuriated. "You mean like letting me almost die when you wouldn't give me your kidney, and then being happy that I got your crappy kidney!? Or always making religious slurs about me being Jewish!? Or saying I have sand I my vagina-!?"

"See, I knew you had one." Cartman said smugly.

"I don't have a fucking vagina! And the time you gave me AIDS! And I hate the fact that you keep calling my mom a bitch and yet you still do it and now it's a famous song on YouTube!"

"It is?"

"Yea." Said Stan as he pulled out his iPod and the song started playing.

"Crap I knew I was famous but now I'm on YouTube? Kickass!" said Catman.

"Aww com-…Ya'know what? Take the fucking cheesy poofs." Said Kyle as he threw them at Cartman.

"Aw sweet. See Jew, you really need to know how to respect mah authoriteh. It would make you a hella better person." Said Cartman as he gorged himself.

"(sigh) Dude I hope you never have children." Said Kyle.

"And why ever not Kyle?" said Cartman who managed to get a cheesy poof in his ear.

"Because this place is bad enough with just you here, now if there were two of you, South Park would be the second hell on earth."

"Second?" Asked Stan.

"Yea, Neverland ranch is the first."

"Oh yea."

"Well Kenny, when my kids grow up I'll make sure to tell them not to beat up your kids that often." Said Cartman with fake reassurance.

"Mwucc moo." Said Kenny. After the movie the boys then left Stan's house.

"Goodnight Jew, goodnight poorass." Said Cartman as they went their separate ways.

"Fuck-off fatass." Said Kyle. Kenny looked both ways and seeing as the road way clear, he crossed it. Just then a random clump of snow plowed onto Kenny's head in the middle of the street. A bit shaken, he still managed t get up and continue home…until a speeding car struck him…followed by the two tailing police cars…ouch… Stan saw this through his room's window.

"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" said Stan.

"You bastards!" yelled Kyle from the other side of the road as he continued home.

* * *

Cartman got home to his home and immediately started to eat again. His cat then walked up to him.

"Meow." Said Kitty.

"No kitty this is my chicken."

"Meow."

"No kitty this is my fuckin' chicken!!"

"Oh Eric, time to sleep sweetie." Said Cartman's mother.

"But mom, I wanna finish my chicken."

"But sweetie it is eleven and you have school tomor-"

"But MEEEEEM!"

"Alright dear." By the time he finished it was 12:34. He got into bed and went to sleep. It felt colder than usual especially since the heat was on high that night. Everywhere went completely black as Cartman squirmed in his bed. Something was approaching him…

"No…get away…" said Cartman weakly in his sleep. "Please Kyle…get away, don't do this to me…THOSE ARE MY FUCKING CHESY POOFS!! Ahh!" yelled Cartman as he awoke from his nightmare. Everywhere was warm once again. "(huff puff) Whoa…I was just a dream…whew." He then went back to sleep. The coolness came back once again…Little did Cartman know he would be missing something important tomorrow.

* * *

…I am now really disappointed with myself…when I was pacing this sounded so much funnier…oh well. Please tell me what I could do to improve the humor in this story.


	3. Cartman loses his Mr Peanut

Well I got inspiration for this chapter from a certain episode, try to guess which one…Now…let get it on!

_**The Mystery of the Mr. Peanut and Butters Caper**_

**Chapter Three: Cartman loses his Mr. Peanut**

Kyle, Stan, and Kenny were waiting at the bus stop as usual. Cartman suddenly came running up to them, his face full of despair.

"Hey Catman what's wrong with y-" said Kyle before Cartman pulled him by his coat collar. Cartman's face was burning red.

"WHERE…THE FUCK…IS…MY...MR. PEANUT!! YOU BETTER GIVE IT TO ME NOW YOU FUCKING JEW!!" Yelled Cartman at the top of his lungs.

"Whoa dude." Said Stan. "Calm down. What's a Mr. Peanut?" Kenny then mumbled the explanation. "Dude…why the hell did you name your penis Mr. Peanut?" Kenny then mumbled something else. Stan and Kyle started to laugh.

"Stop laughing at me and give me back Mr. Peanut you FUCKING JEW!" yelled Cartman.

"Why the hell would I want to take your penis anyway fatass?" said Kyle.

"Stop being so difficult Kahl! I know you have it!!"

"Cartman, why is it whenever you lose something you o directly to Kyle and harass him?" said Stan

"You can never trust a Jew Stan…you can never trust a Jew." Said Cartman with a serious/melodramatic face.

"I didn't take your penis fatass. Now put me down!" said Kyle.

"Ok Kyle…but I am suffering." Said Cartman looking very melodramatic. "When I lost Mr. Peanut yesterday…I have been in so much pain. Without Mr. Peanut how do you think I go to the bathroom?"

"Hmm…how do you Cartman?"Asked Stan.

"When I have to…piss comes from my ass!" Said Cartman. Kyle, Stan and Kenny just stared at him. "And it burns my ass!" The other boys just couldn't take it anymore, they burst out laughing.

"Yea right fatass." Said Kyle while still laughing.

"No guys it's true! You want me to show you?"

"Keep your lard to yourself." Said Kyle as the bus came to take them to school. They went to sit down but Cartman's butt still burned from the last time he went to pee.

"Ummm…Ms. Crabtree is it okay if I don't sit down today. You see I'm having a little burning sensation I my-" said Cartman.

"Sit down and shut-up!" Ms. Crabtree yelled. Cartman did so but he had to cover his mouth to muffle his screams of pain.

* * *

When the bell rang the students went in line to get lunch. Cartman was really angry seeing that his butt will be hurting him for the rest of the day. They got up to the front of the line to greet chef.

"Hello children." Said Chef.

"Hey chef." They all said.

"How's it going?"

"Bad…" said Cartman.

"Why bad?"

"Because Kyle stole Mr. Peanut and he won't give t back!" yelled Cartman.

"…Mr. Peanut?"

"Cartman named his penis that." Said Stan.

"Yea, and now whenever I hafta take a piss, it comes outta my ass and it burns!" said Cartman.

"Well if ya want to get rid of the itching, what you need is some scented lotion." Said Chef. "First you take a little bit and spread it around. Keep spreading till you get her to shine. Then you start to massage-"

"Uh Chef?" said Stan.

"Make sure she moans just right-"

"Che-ef."

"The when you know she's ready, position yourself and get ready to thr-"

"Chef!"

"Oh." The boys just stared at Chef. "Well here's your lunch." They the left to their lunch table.

"I swear Kyle, you better give me back Mr. Peanut!" yelled Cartman.

"For the last time fatass, I don't have your penis." Said Kyle.

"Oh don't worry Kyle…I have ways of making people like you talk." Cartman said as he took a bite of his burger.

"Oh I'm so scared." After Lunch they went to gym class…which doesn't really make much sense when one thinks about it…

* * *

After gym class, the boys went to the locker room to take their showers. After Cartman was done he went to a urinal.

"Mmmm…how am I to do this…" murmured Cartman. He tried to go normally. But since he was missing the necessary organ for such…the urine went out in the opposite direction. The pressure was immense as pee started to splatter on the wall.

"Holy shit dude!" said Stan. Everyone was ducking and hiding behind lockers trying to protect themselves from the disgusting water spout…unfortunately Pip just came out of the shower and unknowingly walked toward the urinal. Cartman's hydro pump hit him dead in the face. The force was so immense that Pip was flung to the wall…After a few more seconds, Cartman had emptied is tanks and Pip was spared of any more damage by bodily fluid.

"Oh! Oh my God! Oh dear God! My ass…Ahh…Ahh…" said Cartman in relief that the pain had stopped, but then came into more agony as the burning sensation came on. "S-see…I told you…" The rest of the boys just stood there in awe at what they had just seen. Kyle couldn't believe Cartman actually told the truth, Pip was still being resuscitated by Token and was spitting up pee, and Kenny was just relived that he wasn't in Pip's position.

* * *

After school the boys had gotten some ice-cream. Cartman had seventeenth, working on his eighteenth.

"Jesus Cartman, why haven't you gotten brain freeze yet?" asked Kyle.

"Because I am highly trained I this field of food." Sad Cartman

"Meaning you eat about ten gallons of it a day." Stan and Kenny laughed at this.

"Hey Kahl, you and I both know that the jumbo tubs of ice-cream only hold up to 7 gallons. So there." Cartman said triumphantly.

"..Fatass."

"And how much ice-cream did you eat today Kenny? None you poorass! Ah-ha-ah-ha!" sneered Cartman.

"Mwucc Moo!!" said Kenny as he turned around and started to go home.

"Hey, you will respect mah authoriteh!" Said Cartman as he threw his cone at Kenny while h was in the middle of the street. Kenny then fell on his ace causing him to back out.

"Not cool dude." Said Stan.

"Yea and that phrase is getting old too." Said Kyle. Just then huge street-cleaner ran over Kenny and blood could be seen coming from under the machine.

"Ah look Cartman, you killed Kenny!" said Stan.

"You bastard!" said Kyle.

"Whoa…I didn't know we had street cleaners." Said Cartman amazed.

"Cartman, you just killed Kenny!"

"Whatever, we'll see him tomorrow anyway."

"…That is true." Said Stan. They then went their separate ways as they headed home.

* * *

It was about nine o'clock when Kyle heard something tapping at his window. He opened the curtain to find Cartman in a teddy bear nightgown…for men.

"Well if it isn't Wee Willie fatass. What do you want Cartman!" said Kyle.

"Oh you know, just making sure your parents put you to sleep since its past eight and junk."

"Really?"

"NO! I want Mr. Peanut Kahl! I can't live with the burning anymore!" Just then Ike came into Kyle room.

"De fadass…" said Ike.

"Good boy Ike." Said Kyle.

"You shut-up you dildo!" yelled Cartman.

"That's it." Kyle then opened hi window, grabbed Ike by the feet and smacked Cartman right where it hurts, in this case, it was his butt.

"Ahhh, my ass!" Said Cartman as he fell. "This is not over you Jew! This is not over!" Kyle ignored this, of course, put Ike back to bed, and fell back to sleep. But soon, things were about to get weird...er.

* * *

Hopefully, this should be good. I made myself laugh a few times which is not a good thing since I usually laugh at stupid stuff…whatever…


End file.
